One of the blessing that came out of 2020 (yes there were a few) was that it was the year of canceled plans. Now I know that might be a hard pill to swallow with all the disappointment that comes from concerts rescheduled, big games that can only be enjoyed on TV or the lack of art without being able to see a play or travel to a museum. I am sharing in the same mourning over live music and theater especially, not to mention vacations that were missed. The blessing that came from that was a cleared calendar. I am sure there were some new beautiful memories that came from having a consistently cleared calendar. For our family, we now have a tradition of doing pizza and movie night every Friday. We did our part to make sure that Domino’s stays in business. As the vaccine becomes more readily available and the cases finally begin to lower, there is going to be a chance that your weekends open back up to possibilities. Kids are going to be back into their after school activities, friends will start hosting events again and there is going to be pressure to attend everything to make up for what you might feel you’ve been missing during the past year.

There is a condition that a lot of us suffer from which is People Pleaseritis. Side effects include a strong fear of disappointing others, guilt, an unmanageable social calendar, and exhaustion. The good news is there is a very simple cure. You need to manage your calendar rather than letting your calendar manage you. Think of all the ‘me’ time you were able to have in 2020. How much of that would you like to continue having in your weekly routine? Schedule it the way you schedule everything else on your calendar. We use our calendar for important events that we don’t want to forget about. You need to view the time that is devoted just to you in the same way. Otherwise, other commitments will steal that time. I schedule my workouts everyday to make sure I make time for it, block off evening time for reading, and put church and naps on the calendar for the weekend the same way I do Zoe’s dance class. If someone asks me to meet for coffee, and it is at the same time I have my gym time scheduled for the day, I can feel confident telling them that I already have plans.

There are a few boundaries that I set in my life years ago that I commit to. My husband and I have date night every Thursday. This date could be something as simple as taking a long walk or sitting on the patio at our home with a cocktail, but we don’t make plans that would prevent us from having once a week of dedicated time focused on our marriage. Another boundary that I set is with kid birthday parties. Having a 7 year old that is active at school, dance and gymnastics as well as having a big neighborhood full of kids means that in pre-pandemic times there were a lot of invitations to birthday parties. I say no to 90% of the invitations we receive to keep the weekends open. Does this create disappointment with my child? Yes! Of course, it does. But my sanity outweighs the mom-guilt. The other boundary I create is with work commitments that conflict with important moments in our family such as my daughter’s birthday, first day of school, etc. I do not travel for work if it means missing that important moment unless it is an extreme circumstance. I have missed one school play because of a work trip that I could not work around. I watched it from my iPhone live streaming to my hotel room during a conference in Vegas. Do I worry that my company might think I don’t have my priorities with my job when I pick family? Of course, I do. I just remind myself that my values have to come first.

When is it Okay to say No:

Friends or Family: If the intention of getting together with your friends and family is to catch up and to spend quality time together, but you have so many other things on your plate you can’t give them your full attention, it’s ok to say no (for now). Connections with others is important so if you are saying no today, think of when you will be ready in the near future.

Work: If the task isn’t within your regular scope and your list is already extremely full, it might be a good time to delegate some things out. Admitting to having a lot of obligation and asking for help is not a sign of failure. Many times, people just simply are not aware of all your other responsibilities.

Kids: Our kids crave attention all the time. We can feel obligated to keep them entertained and to make all the moments magical. Sometimes you just need to take a page out of the 80’s latchkey kid playbook and let them have time of being bored and force imagination so you can focus on yourself. My daughter would live at the park if it was possible and I have to be ok telling her not today, and sending her to her room to get creative with legos and art instead.

Now that you feel comfortable saying no, how do you say no in a polite way? Here are 13 different ways to say no.

My personal favorite is ‘I already have plans.’ Going back to my earlier point of scheduling YOU TIME, many times I do already have plans when someone is asking for my time. That plan could be having a glass of wine and reading a book. That doesn’t make my plan any less important for my mental health. Remember this is your one life and you need to put yourself first to be the best version for everyone else. You know what you need in order to give your best self, and have the power to say no to everything else.

The Power of NO